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August 31, 2005
Sarah's Random Thoughts at 3am
It’s almost 3am on Wednesday, August 31, 2005. That means it’s about 11am in Ramadi where Roger is. I got a note during the day yesterday that Chapin’s viewing is today and the burial is Friday. He was killed by sniper fire last week and posthumously promoted to MSG this week. I mourn his loss. I mourn not being able to comfort my husband as he grieves for this tragic death of a fellow soldier.
Folks who know me, know I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve. Coworkers at a former place of employment considered me a snob because I largely kept to myself. And yet, I’m finding myself a raw bundle of nerves these days. I cry at the drop of a hat. I have trouble focusing. I forget small things. But, I take each day as it comes and try to take care of myself because I need to be strong for Roger.
Yesterday, I asked my employer, where I’ve worked for the past nearly 8 years, if the company could show support for me and my husband by sponsoring the shipping costs to send him his bike to Iraq. Actually, I made the request a few days ago and I got my answer yesterday. The local bike shop went to the Post Office to check about regulations and to make sure we could send a bike to an APO. When the answer came back affirmative, I made arrangements with my father-in-law, Roger’s dad, to get the bike to them. The bike shop then took it from there. They packed the bike, made sure Roger would have what he needed, and then took it to the Burlington Post Office for shipment. They waived their usual $30 packing and material fee. All I had to do was give them a credit card number over the phone to cover the shipping costs.
Since I’ve been with my employer for almost 8 years and my boss is an avid cyclist, I thought he would be quite enthusiastic about sponsoring the shipping costs. Additionally, a few years ago we had a new employee who was an aspiring Olympic athlete. Upon hearing of her aspirations, my boss, within months of her hire date, made a grand announcement in a staff meeting about how the company would sponsor her efforts! The company then proceeded to purchase a rather expensive and particular gym bag for her and paid for part (if not all) of the airfare for her to attend a contest in Arizona. Then she quit. She was with our company about 6 months, I’d guess. I honestly don’t remember.
Then after Roger left for the theater, this very same boss made yet another grand announcement in another staff meeting about how we should all show support for our troops and in particular, we can make a big difference for one soldier who is very near and dear to one of our employees. He and I also held a discussion a while back about all the military base closings and he said that he felt that was doing the military a grave injustice to themselves because it’s important for our service members to be seen as members of our community who work, shop, go to the post office, etc. just like the rest of us.
So, with those experiences as my guide, I proceeded with my request to send a soldier his bike. I genuinely expected an enthusiastic response.
Instead, I found that first he had to “think” about it and discuss it with his business partner (even though I’ve seen him make other financial decisions – without needing such discussion –such as matching a collection for a wedding gift or for sending flowers or a donation for a death). Then, he had to “lecture” me about how even though he’s the boss, he’s not made of money and how it was a lot of money (my original estimate was $75-100 based on what the bike shop told me). He also had to tell me how the money the company could give for such things comes straight from his pocket and how that’s ballet, violin, horse, and piano lessons for his kids. And that his suffering about his father with Alzheimer’s is more painful than my suffering about Roger. In short, it was very unpleasant. I felt like a beggar child, humiliated for asking for support from a place where I’ve dedicated much of my time and energy.
Final answer was that the company (begrudgingly) would pay $35 toward the shipping costs. I’m not one to participate in head games or be stubborn to spite myself but I honestly felt that I couldn’t accept this contribution under the circumstances. It was quite clear to me that unless the offer of support was his idea, not mine, then it doesn’t have validity and I’m just a mooch, not a soldier’s wife honestly seeking support where I thought it would be. So, I quietly paid the shipping costs then sent an e-mail to my boss letting him know that I didn’t expect my request to generate such an unpleasant situation and that I didn’t realize the money would present such a hardship (the word he used, not me). And that I would not be asking for support from the company again.
It’s not about the money. Any number of folks would have gladly paid the shipping costs to see that Roger’s bike get to him. Besides, I wasn’t going to let those costs stop me from sending the bike. It’s a small price to pay for Roger’s happiness in that hell hole. No, this was about asking for support and being made to feel crappy for doing so. It’s about a disconnect in expectations. I honestly thought the company would be glad to help. That it wouldn’t be such a contentious issue. I’ve never asked the company (or my boss) for any sort of financial help, nor do I practice emotional blackmail. This was truly an eye opener of an experience. And a sad one at that.
Sarah out
Posted (and backdated) by Stef only because Sarah has a crappy Internet connection right now.
Posted by sbp at August 31, 2005 3:00 AM
Comments
Sarah, that is disgusting. You know we are supporting Roger in any and everyway possible, but if I were in your shoes I would be so mad. He had no right to lecture you about how your request meant his kids wouldn't have (insert list of) lessons.
Posted by: Stef at August 31, 2005 9:58 AM
Sarah,
I'm sorry to hear that your office is so un-supportive. I have to say, that I were in the same position I would not even have asked my employer, already knowing what their answer would be. It's really sad that you don't have any helpful backing from work. They should be doing all they can to help you during this difficult time. But I suppose we can't ask that anyong to go without their lessons, even for the greater good of those who are making great sacrifices so they can have those lessons! Frustrating indeed. -Amanda
Posted by: Amanda at August 31, 2005 11:56 AM
Wow, what a horrible experience!!
Looks the the employee who worked there for only 6 months is worth more than an employee of 8 years.
I hope your boss reads this.
Why don't you send him the link!!
Sue
Posted by: Sue at September 1, 2005 2:44 PM